Beauty For Pain

I'm chosing to use today, and this medium, as a  catylist for healing.  I am not an internalizer, meaning, I NEED to talk about my feelings and my pain, or else it promotes a self hatred and depression that I've never found words to describe.  Having said that, I have shared our news of our baby, even here on this blog.  We were suprised at how quickly we fell in love with this new little person.  I think that after having our beautiful angel, we know now how it feels to love a child.  That amazing, beautiful, perfect, frustrating love that you can only have for your baby, no matter how old they are.  

In February, I went in for my first prenatal visit.  The doctor did an intitial ultrasound and my Dr. thought that my dates might be off b/c she couldn't see anything in the gestational sack (which was there, and enlarged).  So we scheduled a second visit for a month later.  During this month, I fluxuated between stress and peace.  I had to repeat over and over again that God is God, regardless of the outcome of my life.  So I went to my second appointment with my hand in His, trusting in His will.  Well, His will was definatley different than ours this time.  I have spent the last week experiencing a miscarraige that just barely missed being into my second trimester.  It has been more painful and gut renching and soul sucking than I imagined was humanly possible to endure.  

But I do know that God is still God, even in the midst of our pain.  Mine and my wonderful husband's, and our whole family's.  We have named our baby, despite the fact that we won't get to meet him, this side of heaven.  We chose the name Joshua Enoch.  In the book of Joshua, God repeats over and over again, "Be strong and courageous, do not be discouraged."  And, of course, Enoch, walked with God and then he was no more.  We are choosing to believe that our baby was just too good for this world.  He will spend his life worshipping God in His presence beside the angels.  He will walk on streets, not made of tar and cement, but on streets made of gold.  He will walk with Peter and Moses and Deborah and others whom we can only imagine from their stories.  And one day, Brandon and I will walk on those streets too.  We will see our little one and know him, because even though we never met him, we will know him because he is a part of us.  And I know, that we will come through this fire, strong and more pure.  He will give us beauty for our pain.