Truth

Ok, so at the suggestion of my best friend, I am going to use this blog for what I started it for, which was freedom for me through expression.  So thankfully, only a handful of people read this, since this is far from my normal crazy rantings.  A couple of weeks ago I was faced with the very real possibility that I was pregnant.  Now, while many married women would be ecstatic at this prospect, I was not.  In fact, my reaction was more akin to fear and disbelief.  Now while I have been pretty open about not wanting another child right now, I have been thinking more lately that maybe I do want another one, sometime soon.  But NOW just freaked me out....mainly because we don't have insurance and I knew the hubs would completely freak out and I just panicked.  I prayed that God would help me....I really just wanted to pretend it wasn't possible.  And pretend I did.  It was too early to take a pregnancy test, and so I just ignored it.  I drank my coffee and my energy drinks and lifted tables at work and did so consciencely....who does something like that?  Really?  I'm not some hooker on the street, strung out on drugs and not giving a crap what happens to my unborn baby.  I am an "average" middle class wife and mom (well, maybe not quite middle class).  I love my husband and daughter, I go to church, I love God and believe that life, at any stage, is beautiful and a gift.  So why would I treat life with such carelesness?  I wish I knew.  What I do know, is that God listened and I lost the baby.  Very early, yes, and for that I am thankful.  But I hate myself a little.  Why?  Because even though I was scared and said I didn't' want another baby, truth is, I did.  So how do I live with this?  Once again, no idea, but right now, I am doing what I know to do, which is wake up every morning, get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and breath in and out.  I concentrate on what I do still have, and that is my life, my husband, my daughter and my faith in the knowledge that my unborn baby is alive in spirit and I will meet him or her someday....maybe even have the opportunity to say I'm sorry.  Because, God, I'm so sorry!!!!