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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Life Sucks Sometimes

Yep, I said it.  And it's true.  I have a constant stream of "God's just making you stronger" and "It's always darkest before the dawn" crap flowing through my mind.  And my good Christian girl voice is telling me to just hold on to that and it's all ok, and just smile through it 'cause God has a plan.  But the rest of me is screaming!  I'm sick of being lonely!  I'm tired of being empty because my partner in life isn't interested in filling my cup! I'm tired of always having to have it all together, and have a plan, and do everything, because if I don't, no one else will.  I feel like I'm literally 2.5 seconds away from a meltdown that would put my 3 year old's meltdowns to shame.  But I don't have time for a meltdown, because my kids have no one else to depend on if mommy loses it.  How did that happen?  When you partner with someone in life, you have an idea of how you want that to play out.  Now granted, a lot of those expectations are crap.  I mean really.  Life happens, expectations are brought down to a realistic level.  But at what point is enough enough?  I need more.  I need to matter.  I need to be encouraged.  I need to be loved.  I don't even feel like I have anything left to offer anymore, so all that I need stuff is probably just selfish at this point,  but even knowing that I'm all out of my reserves and I can't give any thing to my partner right now, I still need.  I want the years that I did spend pouring myself into him and encouraging and giving of myself even when I didn't want to and doing anything I could to help him find happiness to count for something.  I want him to see me.  I need some back.  Not even a lot.  I just need a little bit.  Anything.  I feel like I know what someone dying of thirst feels like for the first time.  Or an addict.  Because it's a need that is so overwhelming it's almost suffocating.  I hate this.  I hate all of it.  And I'm sure God is still making me stronger.  And I won't even question for what.  And I know he hasn't left me.  But it feels really lonely here.  Like a black hole that just keeps taking everything I have and everything I am and all that's left is an empty shell of who I used to be.  Who I wanted to be.  Who I worked to be.  And who I wanted my daughter to see, so she could grow up to be a strong woman who knew how to love and how to give and how to stand.  But now she has me.  And I can only pray that she sees more and learns more than I can model.  Because I'm nothing anymore.

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