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Thursday, March 19, 2015

Flare for the Dramatic

Well, that took a dark turn now didn't it?  I'm normally a pretty upbeat, bubbly, glass all the way full kind of gal.  But I guess everyone has a breaking point.  And I apparently found mine.  But never fear, some times, just verbally vomiting all of the crazy rolling around in my head makes the clouds roll back and sunshine back in.  And that's just what it did for me.  For me, words aren't just words.  They aren't just a way to connect.  Words are my lifeblood.  Like oxygen.  And so many times I quit breathing because the fear of baring my soul for the world to judge is overwhelming.  So I just stop.  But I need it.  I need to breath.  I need that deep, satisfying gasp of air after being underwater too long.  So I laid it all out.  Naked and ugly and raw and scary.  But oh so real.  And I wish I had done it sooner.  Because it gave me back my voice when I felt utterly powerless.  But now I remember.  I remember that my voice is strong and gentle.  My voice is powerful and valuable.  And that alone gives me strength to breath in and out and remember how valuable my life is.  And that I have so much offer my children and anyone who will listen.  Because I've lived the highs and even the lows.  And I came out alive.  And I will continue to live.  And I'll continue to fight.  And most days I'll happily make jokes and laugh and turn the negative into something great.  And some days will suck and I'll want to run away from home and lay down and die.  But those days won't win.  Those feelings won't win.  Because I am breathing.  I am sharing.  I am bearing all of the scars...new and old.  And this time, shame won't keep me quiet.  But joy will come again.  And again.  And again.  Because I choose it.

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